I plan on being fast asleep this time tomorrow night.  I will not worry about exams again until after Thanksgiving.  Well, that is unless I royally bomb my physiology exam tomorrow and then get my royally bombed histology exam back on the same day…hmm, we just won’t think about that.  I feel as though I’m trying to learn cardiovascular physiology through osmosis.  That’s all fine and dandy if you don’t mind hydrocephaly…

I’m sorry.

That was really really nerdy.  I’ll be back tomorrow with a real post and I promise that I will not complain about vet school or stress or classmates or roommates.  I’ll be a person again tomorrow at 10:45 am.  Yay!

I have an exam on Wednesday and I just can’t bring myself to study.  I’m so burned out from studying these last two weeks that I can’t make myself CARE about this exam.  I hate feeling this way.  I know that it’s not good for me as a student or as a person to feel so helpless.  I just don’t know how to fix it.  I will have to study tomorrow and the “crunch” will help, but I also know that a feeling of desperation will be added to my apathy and that’s never a good combination.  I’m looking forward to finally being able to breathe after Wednesday morning.  I’ll be able to catch up in the rest of the classes I’ve been forced to neglect while studying for exams.  I’ll be able to talk to Jeff on a regular basis as opposed to always having to plan our conversations so they don’t fall on the night before an exam.  It’s going to be nice to study without all the pressure to achieve and compete and make the instructors realize that I’m smart, too.

This whole vet school thing is really hard.  I love that I’m here and I’m so thankful that I have the opportunity to achieve all of the goals I’ve had my whole life.  However, following this dream is the most challenging undertaking I’ve ever attempted.  I know I’ll make it though in the end, I just have to realize that it’s going to take more than my desire to be a veterinarian to get me out alive.

This weekend has been the most fun I’ve had with Best Friend and Roommate since we all moved in together in May of 2007.  I’m just sad that it took BF’s fiance going on a business trip for all of us to realize that we can all be friends at the same time.  And Roommate and Best Friend even went and hung out today one on one.  I don’t think that’s ever happened before.  It was so nice to hear about.

In other news, Nicole posted this meme and since I was the one that she listed as “most likely to post,” I figure I can’t back down from a challenge.

Here’s the rules o’ the game:

One Word…
You
Can
Only
Type
One
Word

(It is not as easy as it looks)

1. Where is your cell phone? bed
2. Your significant other? pilot
3. Your hair? ponytail
4. Your mother? devoted
5. Your father? entertaining
6. Your favorite thing? waterskiing
7. Your dream last night?  Jeff
8. Your favorite drink? margarita
9. Your dream/goal? veterinarian
10. The room you’re in? mine
11. Your ex? none
12. Your fear? spiders
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? clinic
14. Where were you last night? restaurant
15. What you’re not? weak
16. Muffins? pumpkin
17. One of your wish list items? Wii
18. Where you grew up? Elgin
19. The last thing you did? cleaned
20. What are you wearing? comfort
21. Your TV? simple
22. Your pet? Potters
23. Your computer? functional
24. Your life? complicated
25. Your mood? unmotivated
26. Missing someone? always
27 Your car? yellow
28. Something you’re not wearing? make-up
29. Favorite Store? Gap
30. Your summer? lake
31. Like someone? yes
32. Your favorite color? red
33. When is the last time you laughed? always
34. Last time you cried? weeks
35. Who will/would re-post this? unknown

Happy Birthday, Nicole!

On a side note, this is going to be a short post, as a pitcher of coconut margaritas and a pitcher of guava margaritas is making it difficult to type.  I had an awesome girls night with Best Friend and Roommate.  Best one in a while (possibly ever).  I’m just very happy and now I’m going to sleep it off. 

I’m in a strange mood.  I didn’t get the job I wanted for the summer.  I’m upset that I won’t get to work with Best Friend, and I’m upset because they sounded to sure.  There were only 8 people who applied for 4 slots, and one was eliminated right away because they lived too far away to be on call.  That means that I had almost a 60% chance of getting hired.  I’m worried that I didn’t interview the way they wanted.  I was incredibly polite, I asked questions about what I’d get to do.  I keep getting hung up on one sentence.  They asked what my least favorite thing about my last job was (because they knew that I left to start school, not because I was tired of it or because I was fired or anything) and I told the truth.  There was one person who had no respect for her coworkers and she pushed me around.  I told her to stop one day and she did stop bullying me, but she kept going at everyone else and so I was still affected.  I don’t know if they incorrectly read that as “Tyler doesn’t get along with her coworkers” or if I’m overanalyzing. 

I know I’ll find a job for the summer, I was just so sure I was going to get that one that I feel a bit let down.  Best Friend is really really really mad at her boss for not hiring me.  We actually saw her outside when we were leaving school today and BF said “hello” to her boss tersely and kept walking.  I know that she’ll say something to her about not hiring me and I’m afraid that she’s going to piss off her boss because she’s upset about the decision.  Best Friend is the most loyal person I know when it comes to friends.  She actually yelled at someone on the admissions committee at the open house (which took place when I was on the waiting list) about accepting six people who had yet to complete their undergraduate careers when there were other more qualified applicants on the waiting list. 

All that aside, Best Friend and I went out on a “date” because BF’s fiance is on a business trip.  We almost never spend time together exclusively so it was a nice change.  We went out for dinner and then watched Kung-Fu Panda.  Meanwhile, Roommate got home and we all hung out for a little while.  It was just like old times.  This is where the mixed part is coming from.  I’m mad about the job but I’m so incredibly happy that I got to spend time with both Best Friend and Roommate. 

It’s funny that we’re able to think about so many things at once…

I’m trying to squeeze out a quick post before I review my notes and go to bed.  I have a developmental anatomy exam tomorrow morning at 9 and I’m a little nervous.  It’s not really a hard class, but since I’m not really doing as well as I’d like in my hard classes, I at least want to do well in the easier ones.  We’ll see  how it goes.

There was a bit of a weight lifted when we (my class) found out that we were able to get our physiology exam moved from Monday to Wednesday.  Instead of 2.5 days to study, we now get 5.  That’s unbelievable.  I’m really happy.  That means I’ll actually get to relax tomorrow night as opposed to frantically trying to learn the physiology of the entire cardiovascular system as quickly as possible.  :)  I do enjoy relaxing.

Wow, cutting it down to the wire tonight.  I’ll have to type quickly.  It seems as though my day has been centered around (make all the kiddies look away, this post is X-Rated!)…

Penis.

There I said it.  I’m just going to let it hang there, too.   I’m a veterinary student, I’m comfortable with anatomical terms.  I have two brief anecdotes to make my point.

1.  I went to a lunch lecture by an exotic vet in the Madison area.  He was talking about sexing hedgehogs and said that it’s easy because if they have one, the penis looks like a little bump in the middle of the belly.  He went on to tell us that roughly the same is true in ferrets and he had a client that said she always gave her ferret kisses on his “belly button” and he loved it!  Wow, imagine being a vet telling your client that she was performing fellatio on her ferret.  Ouch.  (He also said that the ferret was probably like “Hey!  Don’t tell her the truth!)

2.  In anatomy lecture, we were talking about proprioreception, which is basically knowing where your body is in space.  If you close your eyes, you can still generally guess exactly where your arms and legs are in relation to the rest of your body…there’s a big difference between dancing the “Thriller” and letting your arms hang.  Anyway, my instructor said: “OK, close your eyes and imagine a body part. Stop thinking of that one.”  The class dissolved into laughter and I pondered yet another reference to penis when it was not already the intended topic.

There’s either a conspiracy or my mind is in the gutter.  The world may never know…

I don’t really know what to think right now.  I just finished my histology exam and I think I may have legitamately failed.  I felt sligtly unprepared going in, but I never imagined that I’d be THAT unprepared.  Ouch.  I’m actually too upset to be mad about it.  I can’t decide if I’m upset with myself for probably failing or if I’m upset because there is no way I would have ever thought to memorize some of the facts that were on the exam.  I think I’m more upset with myself.  There were some where I just blanked.  I could answer some small part of the question but I’d be at a loss with the big picture.  I don’t really know what to say.  I know one bad test is not going to make me fail out of veterinary school.  I think that’s my only comfort at this point.

I’ve been talking a lot to my classmates about grades lately.  I was also telling Best Friend that I feel like the only person who is not consistently getting A’s because the A’s are the only ones who will talk.  It’s so strange to think that my class is so slow to accept the “it’s not a competition” theme of veterinary school.  We only have one curved course and so our instructors would be perfectly happy if everyone got A’s.  They’re not going to force a bell curve or anything.  Thus, there is no point to compete with one another. 

I’m going to have to do something to distract myself until Jeff calls in a couple hours.  I have another exam on Friday, but I just don’t think I have the motivation to study right now.  I do know that I never want to feel like this again.

I really don’t know what to write about today.  I could go on and on about how stressed I am for my histology exam, but I think that’d be a tad boring.  I think I’ll tell a story instead.

My cat, Lily, is the whiniest things on four legs.

Sure, she looks cute an innocent now, you can’t hear her incessant meow.  She has ten minutes until it’s time for dinner.  I’m sitting at my desk minding my own business, and she is parading around my room chirping (it’s like she’s saying “brrrrrrt!”).  She will surely waste away to nothing in 10 minutes. 

Anyway, when Lily wants something, the story is always the same.  She knows she can get what she wants if she turns on her cute kitty eyes and purrs.  That’s her first ploy.  If that doesn’t work, she chirps and then meows.  It’s the cutest sound you’ve ever heard.  You’re bound to give in sooner or later.  If you have an iron soul, you can ignore Lily’s attempt to use her good looks to get what she wants. 

That’s when the trouble starts.  She starts fights with the other cats.  And then she loses and hisses and growls.  Usually unsuspecting humans come running and “oh, as long as you’re up, it’s time to feed me.”  If there are no other cats to be found, she tips over garbage cans, gets up on the counter, chews on non-food items…basically anything she knows she shouldn’t do.  Lily fights dirty.  In between all the naughty stuff, she usually runs back to me and paws at me while chirping. 

She’s pouting now.  Laying flat out on the floor because I haven’t given her what she wants and I keep shooing her out of the garbage can.  I suppose I can finally feed her, I just hate to give in!

Last night was tough.

While I was writing my last post, I found out that the father of one of my good friends I used to work with passed away.  I know that a horribly-worded sentence, but I don’t really have the energy to fix it.  I left my house almost immediately, made a quick stop to buy her chocolate and Starbursts, and headed to her apartment.  Her boyfriend of several years was there (and rightly so, considering he lives there, too) and so we all sat in silence for a little while.  My friend started talking and told me how it happened (he had some existing health conditions that led to an accident) and she told me how her youngest sibling (20 years old) was the one to find him.  She talked about her brothers and sisters flying in from all over the world (there are 6 of them in all) and staying at her apartment last night.  I listened and watched her cry and slowly realized that I was crying, too.  I can’t imagine going through something like that.

She wants to blame herself.  She wants to believe that if she would have gone to her father’s house when her sister called to say that he sounded tired and not himself, that she could have prevented the accident.  She didn’t think her sister got to his house fast enough even though she was on her way there when they talked on the phone.  She keeps going through this list of “what if” and “if only” and “if I had” statements and sobs after that.  I told her that it’s not her fault.  She couldn’t have known anything was going to happen.  She may not have been able to make a difference in the outcome even if she were there to call 9-1-1 sooner.  She’s not ready to accept that.  She will, eventually, but not yet.

I wish there was more I could do.